By: Norman Yallen
Identical Twins Award-Henrik and Daniel Sedin
I don’t think it gets said enough that these two play together like no two linemates I’ve seen. They just know where the other will be on the ice. I haven’t seen anything on ESPN.com about them, because god forbid we take an article away from Brett Favre’s offseason activities. I hear he’s cheating on his wife, I mean I hear he’s playing on his tractor. He’s such a good old country boy, especially when he wears Wrangler jeans playing for both teams. That’s literal, not figurative, don’t worry Favre fans. The Sedins going this far would be like me and my brother becoming twins and great hockey players.
Useless Tangent: I need better analogies.
Referees Best Friend Award-Lebron James and the Miami Heat
The Heat and 76ers both play similar games venturing into the paint a similar amount. However, the Heat got 39 free throws while the 76ers only got 15. This is unacceptable and is emblematic of an atrocious NBA trend of giving star players al the calls. This is the first example of that in this year’s playoffs (you can also make the case for Pacers-Bulls) but I guarantee it won’t be the last.
Cult Members Award-Miami Heat Fans
What is wrong with all of you? Who decided white was the colour 20000 people should wear? Will you be drinking cool aid after the game? Can you name anyone on this team besides James, Wade, and that useless third guy? Needless, to say, I hate you all. This is a cautionary tale against fans wearing white, because they look like patients in a mental asylum. Except, I think mental asylum patients might actually cheer.
Please Ignore Us Award-San Jose Sharks and Oklahoma City Thunder
In past years (a couple ago for the Sharks, last year for the Thunder) these teams were hyped as teams on the rise. Now, everyone has counted the Sharks out after repeated failures. Now, everyone expects them to lose, and I think teams are most dangerous without that pressure. The other teams people aren’t talking about is the Thunder. Kevin Durant hasn’t even been mentioned although he led the league in scoring. The Lakers look a little tired, the Spurs too small, and other Western Conference teams are flawed. With Kendrick Perkins now in the mix and Durant, and Westbrook, why not the Thunder?
Shut Up Already Award-The Royal Wedding
I don’t care about Prince William and Kate, and I hope few of you do either. I was made aware that some people are choosing to wake up at 4 AM to have wedding parties. It’s a wedding, and it’s a man whose ancestors happened to believe they had a divine right to the throne. So because his ancestors were arrogant jerks, I know have to indulge this guy’s royal whims? The good news is that his girlfriend’s parents were airline workers, common people stuff. Although apparently the Prince’s friends made fun of her for that. Don’t his friends sound like the worst people? Can’t you picture them playing croquet for hours while giggling about poor people and immigrants? They probably were those teenagers who drove around in Mercedes. I can’t stand these people, and the fact that they technically rule over me I find infuriating. They are the exact opposite of what we as a society are supposed to be about. Yet all insist on paying tribute. I personally would rather slam a tiara into my eye than watch that.