For the Love of God Don’t Pick That Random Lithuanian

By: Norman Yallen

Here’s Chad Ford’s mock pick for the Raptors, with some helpful comments from yours truly.

5. Toronto Raptors-Jonas Valanciunas

Who’s that guy Chad? I don’t like where this is going.

Many NBA scouts insist Valanciunas could be the best international player in the draft. 

Many NBA scouts think Nikoloz Tskitishvili is the next Darko Milicic. Don’t worry, they meant it as a good thing.

While Raptors president Bryan Colangelo hasn’t been afraid to gamble on European players in the past, 

If only he had been afraid to “gamble” on European players such as Andrea Bargnani. We could have, god forbid, a centre who actually rebounds. We all know that’s a boring Conservative thing. Please, roll the dice again Bryan, you’re on a hot streak.

there are concerns about the buyout terms of Valanciunas’ contract — some teams are skeptical that he’ll be in the NBA for the next few years.

Oh, so that logically means that we shouldn’t pick him. After all the point of the draft is obviously to find an NBA player. Therefore someone who can’t play in the NBA would be the exact opposite of someone you would want to pick.

Still, he appears to be the most likely choice for the Raptors.

Wait, what? So Chad tells me that this guy probably, maybe can’t play in the NBA due to a financial matter, yet the Raptors are still going to pick him. Not only is he a 19 year old Lithuanian who plays 15 minutes a game for his team back home, he probably will be forced to stay there. Still, we’re going to pick him. Why the fuck would we do that? After all the only thing better than a soft big man who plays is a soft big man who legally isn’t allowed to play. Does Chad have any explanation? Nope, but the hope on his part must be that Bryan Colangelo has the same limited mental faculty that Chad Ford has. And after watching him at the lottery, he just might.

For this past school year I have had a first period spare on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I almost always choose to take public transport and am almost always late. There is a subway then a bus to school, and the bus comes at 9:10 and 9:24 with my second period class starting at 9:30. At first, I would either take my carpool to get to school for first period and work during the spare. Then, I would sleep in a little while but get up at 8:20 so I could always catch that 9:10 bus. The 9:10 would get me there a bit early, but if everything went right, the 9:24 would get me there exactly on time. As the year went on, I would get up at 8:40 and in an ideal world would try to catch the 9:10 bus. Realistically, this meant I had to count on the 9:24, and anyone who has ever rode the TTC knows that is something you wouldn’t want to count on. I’m sure anyone still reading is wondering why the hell I’m talking about my being late for school (if my parents or any authority figure is reading this, it is an extended metaphor with no truth to it whatsoever.) Well, it is exactly the same as Ford and Colangelo with these unknown Europeans. Taking the 9:10, or the established college player will get them to school on time, or a quality NBA player. They would prefer that extra bit of sleep, or that chance at that unknown superstar they can take credit for discovering. If Kemba Walker turns the Raptors around, he will get the credit for being a clutch player. If Jonas turns the Raptors around the credit will go to that gutsy General Manager who picked him. Today, I waited at 9:24 as the bus driver at the bus stopped to make a phone call. By the time we left the station, it was 9:28. Fortunately for me, I can’t get a detention unless it is a first period late, similar to how Colangelo can’t get fired. Well, today I was late and the office gave me one final warning that next time it’s detention. Well, this is my warning to Bryan Colangelo, while you may have gotten away with this sort of pick before, next time is detention.

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