A few weeks ago a young woman believed she had a very good voice, went to a recording studio and made a serious music video. The problem for Rebecca Black, was she didn’t have a good voice, the recording studio wasn’t a real recording studio, and her music video became a subject of mocking across the internet, with idiots of all corners making fun of her. Sort of like where I’m going with this post. A few days ago a young man chronicled his bracket predictions for his blog. Norman Yallen (Please indulge me in this third person exercise.) had a monumentally bad 4 days at March Madness, he now sits in 142nd place out of 143 people and is the subject of mocking across his school. The question me and Rebecca Black are now facing is, where did it all go wrong? That very question is what I am going to attempt to answer.
On Wednesday night I banged out all out of my predictions and would not find out exactly where I screwed up until it was too late. On a Friday morning at 7:00, Rebecca got up and made her first mistake. She immediately rose her head from her pillow and began to sing. I don’t know about you, but I set my alarm for 7:30 and can barely get out of bed at 7:45. That set the stage that there was something different about this music video. Well, that and the captions at the beginning. What the hell does “I am Thursday’s Child” mean? Is her mother a stripper, because only a stripper can have that name. The first thing to go wrong with my picks was Rick Pitino’s Louisville team having a meltdown against Morehead State. I cannot fathom how a man who prides himself on his team’s shooting put together a bunch of white guys who couldn’t hit a free throw down the stretch. I also found out the hard way that Kenneth Faried will be a good pro player. Anyone who is that good at any one or two skill, in his case rebounding and interior defense, will find a way into an NBA rotation. If you don’t believe me just look at the career of Charles Oakley. My first mistake was underestimating a player and team because they came from a school I had never heard of. For the record, it’s called Morehead State because it’s located in Morehead, Kentucky.
My second mistake was a result of sloppiness. I accidentally clicked Princeton instead of Kentucky, losing a valuable point in the process. Rebecca’s next mistake was trying too hard to make cereal look cool, saying, “gotta have my bowl.” What is this Rebecca, drugs? Are you addicted to cereal? Because drugs aren’t cool. My afternoon went well other than that as I raced out to a 9-3 star. Rebecca then went to the busstop and saw her other 13 year old friends driving by in a convertible. Which must have been a nice surprise for her. I then made a couple of dumb upset picks, losing Belmont, Utah State, Missouri, and the one favourite I picked, St. John’s. This mistake was picking too many upsets, even by March Madness standards there was no conceivable way all of these upsets could have ever happened. Then, at roughly 11 pm in Toronto for me and at 7:45 at the busstop for Rebecca, came the backbreaker, the thing that doomed my bracket and her song, setting us on an irreversibly negative course.
Rebecca next said the words that, for me and my friends, ended the point where we stopped taking the song seriously if we ever had to start with. She pondered, “Kickin’ in the front seat Sittin’ in the back seat Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?” In my parents lifetime we’ve gone for, “war, what is it good for?” to, “which seat should I take?” Whoever said there’s no such thing as a stupid question deserves to listen to Friday on an endless loop. My backbreaker was Michigan State losing to UCLA, because having a Final 4 pick lose on the first day dooms a bracket. My mistake was relying too much on the recent glorious history of MSU, and not on the fact that this year’s team was mediocre at best. Rebecca’s mistake speaks for itself in this case.
My Friday was rather ordinary, unlike Rebecca’s day. I simply didn’t do enough to compensate for the previous day, getting 11 wins when I realistically needed at least 14 to still be competitive. Rebecca’s mindless chorus didn’t compensate for her question. Also I’ve never heard Friday pronounced like that, what dialect is that, Martian? I didn’t even know Autotune could do that, I couldn’t make that noise if I tried. Rebecca shouldn’t have trusted such cruddy producers who would use that chorus. She then stood in the back seat of the convertible on the way to the party, and only complimented one friend. Seeing that she was rude as well as untalented didn’t help her cause.
Saturday was a monumental day for me, as I won 0 out of 8 games. Thursday had set the stage for that as I only even had 3 possible wins going into the day. Yet again, I picked too many upsets having Temple and West Virginia both lose to higher seeded teams, even Pittsburgh lost. I didn’t know if anything could top that level until I saw what came next in Rebecca Black’s video. She arrives at the party (if you look closely it appears she is being slapped on the ass) She names Thursday to Sunday of the week in order. I’d say everyone knows the days of the week in order but given her other lyrics, I am in doubt on whether she knew them until this verse was written for her. The fact that this was put in a song was arguably the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, until what came next, which deserves a paragraph of it’s own, separate from a comparison to my bracket.
A black man baring a faint resemblance to Usher appears on the screen. He talks about how he is riding in the front and back seat, seemingly appearing in both. He sways his head from side to side in an epileptic, Night at the Roxbury esque manner. He raps about passing school busses, in a downtown area at night. He seemingly is out to destroy all the gains the African-American people have worked for. He lowers the entire genre of rap’s street cred by himself. He even says, “wooo.” He probably also ruined diamond earrings and making facial and body expressions while one speaks. He should be banned from rhyming, let alone rapping. If he has kids he should not be allowed to even read nursery rhymes to them. Although, I hope for the sake of humanity that no woman would want to mate with this man.
Sunday I just try to enjoy the tournament with no regard for my bracket. I cheer for Michigan to beat Duke, who I have winning it all. Of course because I cheered for them they don’t win. I actually enjoy a decent day of picking winning 5 of 8, but it is too little too late as Purdue loses decimating any hopes I had. Rebecca tries to enjoy her final verse and chorus, standing up and singing at the party. Unfortunately, the rapper’s epileptic head nod at her decimates any hopes she had. The video is posted on Youtube and one Twitter account makes the world aware of it as it is passed on to over 20 million people who come to watch a 13 year old’s shame.
At this point you may be saying, “this is funny” or “this is crap” but you are probably wondering what the hell my bracket has in common with Rebecca Black, other than sucking. My answer for you is that me and Rebecca Black made the exact same mistake. Instead of working for what we wanted to achieve, we both tried to take the easy way out. I sat down to pick a bracket and rather than researching and making smart picks, I tried to think of witty one liners and ridiculous upsets, with the hope I would be seen as a genius and win my bracket. The only problem was I didn’t put in the thinking. Rebecca was a 13 year old whose parents evidently had plenty of disposable income. What they did was pay Ark Music Factory $2000 to make her music video. This is a company that specializes in writing bad music videos for rich girls. One of the heads of the company goes by the name of Patrice Wilson. He goes by the rapper name of Pato, and he puts himself rapping in all the girls songs including Rebecca. He is the guy you should all hate, using rich 13 year olds to earn himself some fame and royalties. The sad thing is after this video, he’s laughing all the way to the bank. Maybe had Rebecca’s mother paid for vocal lessons with that money instead of Ark Music Factory, she’d be getting noticed for her talent eventually. Eventually, Rebecca’s fame will evaporate but the taunts will continue. The lesson me and Rebecca should learn is that if you want to do something well, you have to work at it. If you want to be thought of as clever, then actually think and if you want to be thought of as a good singer, then learn to sing. Otherwise, you’ll be like me and Rebecca Black, two people who at the end of the day will lie in bed and think of how they could have done better.